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Freelance Comment Of The Week: Incentives And Feedback Loops

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	Reco
	on April 2, 2015 at 12:53 pm



Hello YaReally, HADB, Walawala…so been a while since my last encounter. If you remember this story http://yareallyarchive.com/2015/2/, back on Feb. 17 you had some good advice. Which I planned to implement.

Well things did not go so well. I came back the following week but on a different day of the week on Wednesday, and the bartender was not there. However her bartender friend who was almost as cute. Came over and excitedly greeted me and we chatted a little and she said “you were not here on Monday, that is the day “we” thought you would come in. Interesting comment so I told her I am usually in this city on Wednesdays. So another week goes by and I come in again on Wednesday and sure enough she is there looking great. It was busy and about the time I sit down this 65 YO dude sits right next to me and starts talking.

So my girl comes over to greet me and when she says hello the dude next to me shouts out hello. Not in an intentional cock blocking kind of a way but in a needy please talk to me way that results in the cockblock anyway. It was almost comical if it was not happening to me. How it was like someone sent this dude to sit down next to me and never stop talking and constantly harassing all the bartenders, just desperate for attention. Of course I could not get a word in edgewise. I looked for another seat there were none. Matter of fact at one point my girl even made a little joke to me and said with a snide smile looks like you have made a new friend. It was not good. So no opportunity to talk or escalate so I left after a couple of hours. It was frustrating as hell. Also during that night she mentioned she had “a somewhat boyfriend” to the PITA dude next to me but obviously where I could hear it. I know hot chicks always have someone. So this did not necessarily bother me.

Now I had two weeks of travel and could not get back there. But last night I finally made it. Logistics were good weather was good. I know some of the people who work there the gay bartender came over and talked for a while. But the girl I am after was there and was friendly but would not talk. And I could not just chase her around the bar. We chatted quickly a couple of times but could not get her to show the interest of before. Then there were three specific instances where she was talking to other dudes at other locations. I am taking this as a rejection. What do you think? It was a big disappointment. Not sure I did anything wrong other than let too much time go by. So my question is should I just forget about this chick? Has it been too long? I know women are creatures of what is happening in the moment to them. Is this the case? Am I looking like a goofball going there several times in a row and now it is just stale. I have been kicking myself every since last night.

I am still approaching cold in other locations and venues and it is hard. Very hard but I am making small progress. I am in a bit of a dryspell at the moment so maybe that is affecting my vibe?




• 	YaReally
  	on April 2, 2015 at 8:06 pm

  

  @Reco
  “So no opportunity to talk or escalate so I left after a couple of hours.”

  If you left and he was still there, he sabotaged you after you left. Judging by his lack of social calibration it was likely in the loud “wow that guy really has a crush on you hey! Is that guy your boyfriend??” way where everyone can hear him and she gets embarrassed etc.

  Classic move, everyone gets burned by it here and there. Hell I use it myself all the time lol

  Only way to really prevent that one is to outlast the guy, that’s why these are the most annoying dudes, because the guy usually has nothing else going on in his life and can hang out there right till 2am…he’s not gonna GET the girl and they’re going to think he’s a complete loser, but he doesn’t care and he can make sure YOU can’t get her.

  I’m guessing this is what happened because it sounds like she was still into you when he was sitting there and nothing you wrote is any kind of red flag to me. Like even her calling him your new friend etc as a bartender she knows he’s not your friend she’s making fun of him and letting you know that she feels bad for you, like that’s all “still into you”. So nothing in your report would cause her to 180 like that…which, to me, indicates that something happened after you left, and if this guy was talking about subjects that made her mention having a boyfriend then he sounds just socially retarded enough and annoying enough to have sat there and fucked your shit up after you left.

  I don’t think it’s related to how long it took you to make a move at all, like in terms of grabbing her number and hanging out. Everything you described sounded like you had attraction that night. It would be unsual for her to suddenly slot you as an Orbiter and 180 like that when you two barely even got to talk that night…maybe if you were sitting there alone for 4 hours and she hinted to ask for her number and you missed the window then sure, but nothing you described sets off flags to me.

  But on the subject of time-frames, bailing right away would have been a decent move in that hopefully you don’t end up on the guy’s radar as a conversation topic for after you leave (like if you sit beside him for a couple hours then leave after he’s seen her comment to you etc., you’re the first thing he’s gonna talk to her about…if you were on your way out as he sat down he wouldn’t be likely to register you as a conversation piece he would just focus on his own shitty attempts to woo her lol).

  Either way, once you end up on that guy’s radar, you’re in a tough spot. You can “girl-code” with her like she did with you where you make eye contact and tool the guy without being blatant about it…like raise your eye-brows “gonna be a long night tonight” where she knows you’re making fun of the guy but he doesn’t pick up on it.

  The best move would probably have been a combo of some girl-code plus leaving quickly. Like as soon as you realize he’s one of “those” guys and he does something super uncalibrated like hitting on her or where she comes over to say “looks like you’ve made a friend”, you lock eyes and girl-code with “ya, lucky me, but suddenly I’m not so thirsty I think I’ll pass the pain and suffering on to YOU tonight lol, how much do I owe you?”

  That’s something where you have a “secret connection” about what a tool the guy is and it’s a bit of a tease/jerk thing to be like “well good luck with this shit I’m out lol” and you’re out of there hopefully before he realizes he should try to fuck your shit up, etc.

  But ya, tough situ all around. Fuckin hate those guys, I’ve been stuck with them myself.

  Far as recovery goes it’s hard to say. Drop in again in a month and see what happens, but without knowing what happened exactly it’s hard to say how to recover.

  Props for going in there with the intent to try though. All that stuff about them talking about what day you come in etc. was good. It sounds like you had legit attraction.

  Keep at it, the game is full of highs and lows. The highs make the lows worth it lol

  
  

  • 	YaReally
    	on April 2, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    

    Also far as motivation and giving up goes: You had a fun little adventure flirting it up with a hot bartender chick who talks about you with her other bartender chick friend about what day they’ll get to see you, and from all indications if this guy hadn’t been there you probably could’ve pulled and banged her…what are your peers your age up to? Being fat and hoping their fat wife puts out a sad duty-handjob this month? ;)

    
    

  • 	YaReally
    	on April 3, 2015 at 11:33 am

    

    @Reco
    Happy to help, ’cause you put in the work. Plus you succeeding helps me reinforce to myself that I’ll be just fine when I’m your age, ’cause if you’re getting attraction etc. from these kinds of chicks then I won’t have a prob.

    @habd
    “heres a game plan…in about a month, go back to the bar when your girl isn’t working…chat with the gay bartender. bring up the guy who burned you in a concerned way. ask about if he has any friends, does he come in here a lot, etc. let it slip that you tried to get to know him (and you kept it up for a couple of hours bc you always like to meet new people and haven’t ever really failed to get to know anybody once you get into their business deep enough) but that you just couldn’t get through that guy’s shell and it was painful…lol…then change the subject, talk some more then leave. just work it in, so it isn’t the main reason you came in, although it really is…lol…”

    nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    Don’t do this. That guy doesn’t exist to you. Never mention him ever again lol Don’t give him any value by remembering he even exists. If she was like “ya your buddy told me–” and you go “huh? what buddy?” “your friend you were here with that one time”, you go “lol what? oh that drunk guy? lol no I don’t know who the fuck that was. Old creepy guys just sit down and chat me up. It weirded me out but I’m a polite guy so I didn’t want to tell him to go away. I think he had a crush on you lol” and anything in her head that was negative about you thru him is destroyed…

    …but the key is she has to bring it up. If you bring it up it looks like you’re defending yourself.

    But like I say, she may not even think he’s your friend or anything, she knows dudes like that just bother other people cuz they have nothing to do, a bartender sees those types every night and usually they’re the ones that have to deal with it, she knows that’s not your buddy.

    But he could’ve done stuff like “man that guy really has a crush on you lol he kept checkin out your ass, he told me he wanted to stick his tongue in it lol” or “man that guy told me he was married and his wife is cheatin on him so he’s in here trying to find some college pussy to get back at her lol” like just fuckin’ anything, you’ll never know. Those guys are usually total wildcards and don’t care about social ineptness or making things awkward for people or people thinking they’re losers.

    lol at the handjob stuff. Focus on the bright sides. It’s really easy to forget how far you’ve come on a bad night in the game. All you dwell on is the bad part and forget that like, ya you got shot down by a 9 but a couple years ago you couldn’t even TALK to a 9. And like you say it’s a good indicator that your standards and expectations for yourself are rising…you feel ENTITLED to a girl like that, you were gonna walk in there fully expecting to fuck this hot bartender chick. That’s pretty badass compared to your buddies going home to their sad reluctant handjobs lol

    
    

• 	Sentient
  	on April 3, 2015 at 7:12 am

  

  Still one in mod…. Short version – to ramp up success quickly, focus on the 1 sets in your hotel bar. Very, very high success rate. Great logistics.

  
  

  • 	YaReally
    	on April 4, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    

    reply in Mod as well, obviously lol

    
    

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